<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>the courage to stand alone by delectum</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592744">the courage to stand alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/delectum/pseuds/delectum'>delectum</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Voltron: Legendary Defender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, Gaslighting, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Season/Series 04, Unhealthy Relationships</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:46:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,623</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592744</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/delectum/pseuds/delectum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shiro returns different than the man who disappeared.</p><blockquote>
  <p>“Is that why you’ve been pulling away from us?” Allura asks, ever perceptive. </p>
  <p>Keith closes his eyes and thinks of the team’s cutting words, thinks of all the times he was alone and desperately wished for someone to ask him if he was okay, to pay enough attention to know that he was not. He thinks of Shiro pushing him down roughly onto the mattress, the bruises on his hip and the arguments they can’t stop having and says, “Yeah. I suppose that’s part of it.”</p>
</blockquote>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Keith/Kuro (Voltron), Keith/Shiro (Voltron)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>165</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the courage to stand alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s something different about Shiro, Keith thinks, watching quietly from across the room. There’s a smile on Shiro’s face but it’s forced and fake. No one else notices but Keith <em>knows</em> him. Knows when Shiro is annoyed or anxious or exhausted. Keith knows there’s something wrong with Shiro but he can’t put a finger on <em>what.</em> </p><p>When he catches Keith’s gaze, Shiro’s eyes are cold and blank </p><p>No one else seems to notice that either. </p><p><em>Must be the trauma</em>, Keith thinks accepting the touch happily when Shiro puts an arm over his waist, comforting and warm. </p><p>Shiro had been sparing with his touch ever since he had returned, something that Keith is quickly beginning to miss. So when Shiro does reach out, Keith allows himself to melt against his side and let out a contented sigh, relieved that he finally has Shiro back. </p><p>The months without his boyfriend had been unbearable, the press of loneliness against him suffocating like being buried under ground or drowned at sea. Keith had been surrounded by his team but he had never before felt so utterly and truly <em>alone</em>. But now that Shiro is back he feels like he can finally breathe again and that everything has fallen back into place. </p><p>Shiro will take the Black Lion again and reclaim his rightful place as Voltron's leader and Keith will finally be relieved of the burden that had been thrust upon him. The team doesn’t need him and he has never been cut out for leadership anyways. He’ll happily step down if it means he can get Shiro back, no matter how different he is. </p><p>It doesn’t matter that Shiro loses his temper more and more these days, doesn't matter that he barely touches Keith at all and when he does, his grip is sometimes rough and bruising. None of it matters. </p><p>Anything is worth it to get Shiro back.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Shiro snaps at him later that day for some reason that Keith can’t even remember, angry and unrecognizable until he sees Keith's flinch and sheepishly apologizes. </p><p>He goes down on Keith to make it up to him. </p><p>It’s heated and passionate like it always is, even though it hurts a little more than usual. Shiro pushes him down onto their bed and takes him apart with his fingers, leaving hand shaped bruises on his hips until Keith is sobbing. </p><p>Keith is not an incurable romantic but this is the first time they’re having sex since Shiro came back and it’s definitely not the tender lovemaking that he had been expecting from Shiro. They don’t kiss even once during it while normally Shiro can’t keep his mouth off Keith during sex. Shiro doesn’t periodically check in with Keith like he usually does nor does he call Keith baby or love or darling. </p><p>It’s almost like Shiro’s a completely different person. </p><p>As soon as the thought enters his mind, Keith feels incredibly guilty. Shiro had been in galra captivity for four months being tortured or hurt or any other number of horrible things that must have taken its toll. No one can live through that and still remain the same and if this is the way Shiro has decided to cope then Keith will help him as much as he can. </p><p>Keith spreads a hand along the bruise on his hip but his palm doesn’t come close to spanning the length of it. Shiro is snoring lightly next to him, sleep making him young.  He looks so much like he had before Kerberos, dynamic and full of life, that Keith can’t help but press a chaste kiss against his cheek. </p><p>It's a reminder that this is the same man that Keith had fallen in love with and that he will stick with Shiro through thick and thin no matter how much he’s changed because of it. He presses himself against Shiro’s warmth and closes his eyes, pushing aside the brief spike of anxiety that the proximity causes. </p><p>He falls asleep and dreams of exploding stars. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Things start changing now that Shiro is around. </p><p>He and Keith start sharing a seat at the bridge and take turns sitting at the black paladin's designated spot. There are times that they’ll both start a sentence at the same time, before Keith will apologize sheepishly and allow Shiro to continue. </p><p>It’s clear that Shiro has changed ever since he got back. He’s more confident and unyielding, like a solid sheet of steel. He looks like a warrior. </p><p>It all comes to head when they manage to track down the comet. </p><p>Now that Shiro’s back, there’s no need for Keith to go back to flying Black. After all, she had never chosen him freely like Red had. Their arrangement had been born out of necessity, one that there’s no need for anymore now that Shiro is back on the team. </p><p>“You take the Black lion,” Keith offers without hesitation, “I’ll stay with Coran and the castle and provide support.”</p><p>“Keith, are you sure?”</p><p>It hurts to know that he’ll be staying back while the team is out making a difference but if it meant choosing between Black and staying at the castle, the decision is an easy one. He’s never really cared about being leader or piloting Black, something that Lance and the others will never understand. </p><p>To him, piloting Black had been nothing but a painful reminder that Shiro was gone. When the team had given up on finding him, they had expected Keith to replace Shiro as Voltron’s leader, ignoring the fact that Shiro had never been expendable. </p><p>They <em>needed</em> Shiro.</p><p> <em>He</em> needed Shiro. </p><p>But now that Shiro was back, there was no reason to torture himself by piloting a mech that only reminded him of painful memories of loss and loneliness and grief. </p><p>“I’m sure.”</p><p>Keith watches as Shiro leaves the bridge to head to Black’s hangar, and sticks by his decision. </p><p>Only a minute has passed when he gets Shiro’s message, telling him that Black hadn’t responded to him. </p><p>Keith feels his heart start to beat faster, hands shaking at the thought of going into the suffocating darkness of Blacks’ cockpit. He wants to beg Shiro to try again, to try harder but there’s no time. The team’s in danger and there’s no time so the only choice he has is to pilot Black even though it’s the absolute last thing he wants to be doing. </p><p>It’s a completely different experience to be out on the field with Shiro’s voice in his ear, and Keith finds himself longing for their old lion placements. At least then they had been able to come to a unanimous decision without disagreement. </p><p>Having his plan shot down by every member in the team is frustrating to say the least. He feels strongly that going after Lotor is the right thing to do but no one else seems to agree, instead deciding to follow Shiro’s guidance. </p><p>He’s torn between defending Voltron from Lotor’s attack or going after the teladuv and leaving themselves vulnerable. </p><p>Keith was so sure that he was getting the hang of the whole leadership thing but he hasn't realized how many mistakes he’s been making until Shiro is criticizing his choices over the comms. “Deal with the consequences,” he had said, but no matter how Keith plays the scenario out in his head, he can’t foresee anything but harm to his team if he listens to Shiro. </p><p>In the end, he does what Shiro says. </p><p>They manage to shoot down the cargo ship but it it's only because they had moved out of the way in time. If Keith hadn’t evaded fast enough, they all would have been hurt badly or worse. </p><p>There’s a faint tremble to his limbs as he pilots back to the castle, a cold sweat clinging to his under armor. It’s exhaustion, the bone deep kind that doesn’t go away with sleep. </p><p>Kieth has thought that he was done with this, with being the leader. That’s how it was supposed to be. Shiro was back and that should have meant he would go back to piloting the Black lion but Shiro didn’t and that means Keith is still stuck for the foreseeable future. </p><p>The thought makes something deep in him ache. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The observation deck is his and Shiro’s spot. That's where they go when one of them is feeling upset or homesick or anxious and that’s where Shiro finds Keith later that night. </p><p>Normally, just seeing Shiro is enough to cheer him up, but when he hears the doors sliding open, he wishes, just for a moment, that he could go and hide. He wants to be alone. </p><p>“I’m sorry I had to step in back there,” Shiro says softly. He sounds tired and disappointed and when Keith catches his eyes, he can see the weary set of his shoulders and the stressed lines that mark his forehead. He looks exhausted and Keith feels a stab of guilt that he's just another burden that Shiro has to deal with. </p><p>“I thought I had it under control.” It’s not quite meant to be an apology but… it’s <em>something</em>.  It’s- it’s making all the right decisions but still losing. It’s loneliness and exhaustion and the need to just go to sleep for a million years. </p><p>Shiro is looking at him earnestly now, but Keith doesn’t face him. He’s not ready to see the disappointment of today reflected back in Shiro’s eyes. “You need to learn to pick your battles,” he says and it’s something that he’s heard a dozen times from dozens of grownups who were too tired of dealing with his shit.<em> Learn to be patient, learn to control your anger, learn to shut up and take a beating. </em></p><p>“Sometimes you have to make hard choices,” Shiro places his hand on Keith's shoulder and it’s instinct to lean back into the touch no matter how upset he is. </p><p>“I’m no good at this,” Keith mutters, wanting to climb into bed and never wake up. Everything is spinning out of his control faster than he can catch up and he wishes yet again that someone else would take responsibility for Voltron. </p><p>“Yes, you are. It was your quick thinking that prevented Lotor from getting away with the teladuv. You’re gonna get there. The Black lion has chosen you.”</p><p>It’s not as comforting as Shiro perhaps meant it to be. Keith doesn’t want the Black lion and he doesn’t want Voltron and he doesn’t want the responsibility of the team's failures on his hands. Keith wants everything to go back the way it has been before Kerberos, before that fateful battle with Zarkon. He wants Shiro back. </p><p>“I’m proud of you, Keith,” the Shiro beside him is saying but the words ring hollow so Keith simply turns away and lets his guilt consume him. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t stop there. </p><p>Mission after mission, the team is torn between their two leaders, unsure who they should be following. Sometimes Keith thinks that Shiro gives contradicting orders out of spite, angry that the Black Lion has chosen Keith instead. </p><p>He banishes the thought as soon as it comes. Shiro has never been a spiteful person and it’s unlikely he’d start now over something as important as the teams safety. The logical conclusion is that Keith is the one who’s wrong and that it’s best to just follow Shiro’s lead, even if it doesn’t work out sometimes. </p><p><em>There’s always casualties in war,</em> he remembers Shiro saying and Shiro has been leader far longer than Keith has because people actually chose him to lead and look up to him and listen to him. </p><p>But sometimes the casualties are too great to deal with and that’s when Keith has to speak up because if he doesn’t, the guilt will weigh down on him like he’s being crushed under a mountain slide and that’s not something he can deal with right now. </p><p>So Keith bides his time until Allura finally retires to bed, leaving the bridge empty of everyone but him and Shiro. </p><p>“Shiro, can we talk?”</p><p>“Of course. What is it?” Shiro responds, without turning away from the screen. </p><p>“Someone could’ve gotten hurt today.” Keith feels irritation boil up inside him when Shiro still doesn't turn to look at him but he forces himself to calm down before he speaks. “I don’t think it was a good idea to push the team like that. We should have just retreated when the Galra brought backup.”</p><p>“I had a good reason,” Shiro says nonchalantly, still focused on the holoscreen in front of him, “The team can handle it.”</p><p>“The team is <em>exhausted</em>, Shiro, I could feel it even through Voltron’s bond. We can’t do something like this again.”</p><p>“This is war. I wish it didn’t have to come to this but sometimes we have to put the universe above what we want. Just… Why are you always looking for a fight, Keith?”</p><p>The air leaves his lungs like he’s been physically struck, and he stands for a long moment just processing. He had not been expecting Shiro to turn on him like he had. </p><p>“Shiro,” He says looking away, ashamed but refusing to drop the topic, “This- this is the <em>team</em>. They have limits too-“</p><p>“Look, Keith, I don’t want to argue,” Shiro says, finally looking over. He looks tired, the bags under his eyes prominent. He puts up a good front when he’s with the team but all these little things have a way of piling up and Keith arguing with him over this isn’t helping Shiro’s exhaustion. </p><p>There’s a gentle hand on his shoulder but Keith looks away in shame because lately it seems like all they’ve been doing is arguing. </p><p>“Let's just go to bed, okay?” Shiro said, rubbing over Keith’s arm in a soothing manner and then smiling teasingly, “You can make it up to me.”</p><p>Feeling his anger deflate, Keith nods silently and allows Shiro to lead him to their bed.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Keith’s time in the castle becomes suffocating to the point that he’s desperate to escape just so he can have a moment to <em>breathe</em>. He starts taking more and more missions with the blades until he barely has any free time at all to dwell on the emptiness that carves a hole in his heart. </p><p>He spends the day with Voltron and focuses on helping the war effort, then focuses his evenings on the blades. Sometimes it gets to the point that he arrives back at the castle so tired that he can barely make it to his bed before passing out and he doesn’t even mind because at least it keeps the nightmares away. </p><p>Shiro doesn’t agree with his decision and he isn’t shy to say it either. </p><p>They argue over it, probably more than they should to the point that Keith feels like he’ll burst into tears any second. He tries to explain that this is how he can make a difference, tries to explain that this is his heritage and that he’s finally found a place where he can learn more about who he is but Shiro isn’t ready to listen. </p><p>He doesn’t understand that Keith <em>needs </em>this and that without it he’s just-</p><p>The blades are actually doing something <em>productive</em> and no matter how important Shiro makes it out to be, he just can’t prioritize the Coalition shows over the threat that Lotor holds but Shiro doesn’t see it that way. </p><p>“We’ll discuss it later,” Shiro says when Keith tries to explain, doing that infuriating thing where he refuses to look at Keith when he’s talking. </p><p>“This is Lotor I’m talking about. He hasn’t been seen in months. This might be our chance to track him down. </p><p>“I <em>said </em>we’ll discuss it later. Right now I need you to focus on the mission at hand.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“This isn’t a request Keith. Get to the Fimm system. That’s an order,” and Keith pulls back in shock because in all their time together Shiro has<em> never</em> pulled rank. </p><p>He waits for Shiro to realize what he’s said and maybe apologize but Shiro remains unyielding. </p><p>Keith turns and walks away.  </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>With the blades stretched thin, Kolivan calls on Keith’s assistance more and more. Most of the time when Keith returns back from a mission, the castle is dark and the team asleep. But when he gets to his room, he sees Shiro leaning against his door, lost in thought. </p><p>He straightens up when he sees Keith coming and his eyes are quickly drawn to the spreading dark strain against Keith’s side. </p><p>Shiro sighs before stepping forward to help him inside. They’re both quiet as Keith sits on the bed, watching through half lidded eyes as Shiro rummages through the bathroom for a first aid kit. </p><p>“You have to take better care of yourself,” Shiro finally mutters, pressing a medical pad against the wound. Keith hisses as the antiseptic burns the open cut. </p><p>“You didn’t have to do this,” Keith mutters through gritted teeth, one hand clenched in the sheets to distract him from the pain. </p><p>Shiro sends him a reproaching look, before pressing the cloth against the wound again and pointedly ignoring the startled yelp he gets in response, “<em>Somebody</em> has to patch you up.”</p><p>“I could’ve done it myself,” Keith protests, not in the mood for company after the tiring day that he’s had. Usually, being with Shiro would recharge his batteries, not drain them, but clearly something has changed since they found Shiro in that Galra fighter. </p><p>“I’m sure you could have,” Shiro murmurs, full concentration on wrapping the bandages around Keith’s ribs. “There,” he tucks in the ends and leans back in satisfaction, “All done.”</p><p>Keith looks down at the patch job, grudgingly admitting that it was better than anything he himself could have done, with his own hands shaky from pain and no sleep. He feels some of his irritation fade away, leaving only exhaustion in its wake. “...Thanks, Shiro.”</p><p>In response, Shiro gives him a patient smile and leans forward to press their lips together in a short, chaste kiss. “Try to be more careful next time,” Shiro tells him fondly in the space between their lips. “You worry me when you do stupid things.”</p><p>“This wasn’t my fault,” Keith mumbles halfheartedly, exhaustion getting the better of him. He finally allows himself to close his eyes, letting his head fall against Shiro's shoulder. </p><p>An arm wrapped him, the smile of pine and campfire smoke surrounding Keith. “Just be more careful.”</p><p>Keith nods against Shiro’s chest and falls asleep. </p><p> </p><p>The next morning, they head out to Fimm to help unload cargo. Keith manages to get a moment alone with Shiro to ask, “Were you able to speak with Kolivan about the intel?</p><p>“I did. And we need to find out all we can about that quintessence. But more importantly Voltron needs a strong leader.”</p><p>Keith turns to look at Shiro, “I know they do and it should be you.”</p><p>“Keith, we’ve discussed this before. Besides we both know that the Black lion has chosen you.”</p><p><em>Why doesn’t anyone understand that Keith never wanted Black to choose him?</em> “You only tried once. You has a connection with the black lion and I know it’s still there. If you give it another shot-“</p><p>Keith steps forward unconsciously and he doesn’t want to admit it and didn't want to ask for it but he’s selfish and greedy and he needs reassurance, he needs comfort, he needs-</p><p>But Shiro- he steps away and the distance of two feet between them is like a gaping chasm and there’s a hole in his heart that <em>hurts hurts hurts</em> </p><p>Shiro has never turned him down when he’s sought out comfort, never failed to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder or pull him in for an embrace. But he does now and Keith must have seriously fucked up to have this kind of reaction from one of the kindest people on the planet.  </p><p>“Keith, we all have a part to play. This is mine now. I’ve come to terms with that. Now you need to.”</p><p>Keith turns away, feeling his stomach churning. He feels nauseous and sweaty, like he’s coming down with the flu. </p><p>Shiro notices his intention and chides, “You can’t continue with your Marmora training if it’s at the expense of the team. They need you to be their leader, Keith. You can’t keep going off with the blades when it suits you. That’s not what a leader <em>does.”</em></p><p>“I’m trying my best, Shiro-“</p><p>“Youre putting the team in jeopardy! Your best isn’t good enough anymore Keith, you have to try harder, you- you have to be <em>better!” </em></p><p>Keith steps back with wide eyes, unable to catch his breath from the shock of hearing Shiro so angry. In all the time that Keith’s known him, he has never ever yelled at Keith, knowing full well about his past foster homes and how sometimes a single harsh word could send him into a panic attack that would take hours to recover from. </p><p>He fights those same instincts now, a part of him yelling at him to run away and hide and the other part that insisted he curl up into a ball to protect his heart and his face when blows inevitably rained down on him. But he resists the urge because this is Shiro and Shiro never has and never will attack him. </p><p>Shiro realizes it too, because he sighs and seems to deflate, shoulders sinking in defeat. He rubs a hand over his face, looking so so tired that Keith feels inexplicably guilty over burdening Shiro when he already has so much on his plate. </p><p>“Look,” Shiro says quietly, “You have to understand why I’m asking this of you. You have to be better for the safety of the team or else you’ll get someone hurt by being reckless. Do you understand?”</p><p>Keith looks down and away, the weight of Shiro’s disappointment so strong that it weighs down physically on his shoulders. </p><p>He feels like Atlas with the world on his back and no one there to relieve him of  the burden. He’s stretched thin and tired. He doesn’t want to deal with Voltron’s publicity stunts when Lotor is still out there and the universe is still in danger. </p><p>“Keith,” gentle fingers press against the underside of his jaw and lift his head up so that he can meet Shiro’s sincere eyes. “I'm doing this for you. You understand that, don’t you, baby?”</p><p>He nods silently, feeling an aching exhaustion deep in his bones that’s from far more than just an uneasy night's sleep. </p><p>“I want to hear you say it,” Shiro quietly requests, a metal thumb gently stroking the high planes of Keith’s cheekbone. </p><p>Keith swallows, unable to shake the feeling of being like an animal in a cage. Anxiety courses through his veins, urging him to get away and go somewhere safe where no one would ever find him. He tries to step back but the grip Shiro has on the back of his neck is relentless. </p><p>“I understand,” he finally whispers, desperate to get some space between them. Shiro finally loosens his hold, smiling at him with gentle eyes. </p><p>“Good boy,” he mutters, leaning forward and pressing his lips against Keith’s cheek as some sort of twisted reward for his obedience. “Now let's get back to the castle. I have extra training planned for tomorrow morning.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“This is embarrassing,” Keith says the next day, watching the team as they prepare. It’s ridiculous that they’re here coming up with flashy maneuvers that can wow a crowd when Lotor is still out there. “We’re basically a grand marshal of a parade.”</p><p>“Not a parade,” Coran corrects cheerfully. “A show of arms.”</p><p>“Whatever it is, this is the second one of these we’ve done just this week,” Pidge slumps down in her chair and complains, probably having the same idea as Keith. </p><p>“I know it’s not exactly battling the Galra but believe it or not this helps us boost morale and strengthen alliances,” Allura says, ever the optimistic. </p><p>“Right, right, stronghold, blah blah blah,” Lance interrupts with a gleam in his eyes. These shows are practically a godsend in his eyes. “Now,<em> I </em>say we go over our lion choreography one more time. I don’t want a repeat of what happened last time, <em>Hunk.” </em></p><p>“I thought my lion had more room!”</p><p>They all look up when they see the monitor light up with a call from the Kolivan.“Shiro, my apologies for interrupting but this is an urgent matter. A Galra supply ship has been spotted passing through quadrant Omega Raylar-Six.”</p><p>“What's it doing so far from the normal supply routes?” Shiro asks, voicing what Keith had been thinking. </p><p>“We can’t be certain, but taken together with the fact that Lotor hasn’t been seen in quite some time and the emergence of this new form of quintessence, we feel compelled to investigate. Normally we would wait for better intel but I believe we should act on this now.”</p><p>“I’ll send Voltron to intercept.”</p><p>“An infiltration mission makes more sense. We can plant a tracker and see just how far the supply route extends. With all the Galra activity as of late, my agents are spread thin.” </p><p>Keith doesn’t hesitate before volunteering, eager to get back to something that could help the war effort. “Not anymore. Count me in.”</p><p>“Hey, what about our performance? We can’t razzle-dazzle the Crowd with just four lions!”</p><p><em>Was Lance serious right now? </em>“This mission is more important than a show of arms. Shiro?”</p><p>Shiro looks away with a calculating expression. Keith knew how much he hates his missions with the blades, but this mission is clearly something that can’t wait. Finally, he asks,“How long will it take?”</p><p>“Not long. But we must act fast or we risk that ship jumping to hyperspace.”</p><p>Plenty of time to plant the tracker and get back for the parade. </p><p>“Go. But when you’re done, meet us on Reiphod.”</p><p>Keith nods, only stopping long enough to get changed into his blade suit. Kolivan briefs him on the way and sends him the coordinates of the ship they would be infiltrating. </p><p>The first part of the mission goes according to plan. </p><p>They manage to get inside undetected, even managing to get lucky when they suspect it’s a crew of sentries. But one quick search of the ship yields no other sign of life, robotic or otherwise. </p><p>“The entire place is empty,” Keith says, unable to shake the way that the hair on his arm rises. There’s something wrong here. “Have you ever seen this before?”</p><p>“Somethings not right here,” Kolivan agrees uneasily. “We should leave.”</p><p>“We came all this way,” Keith suggests, “We should plant the tracker and find out where this ship ends up.” He doesn’t know it then but he’ll spend the next few months regretting his decision, turning over his words later at night and wondering what he could have done differently, what would have happened if he had just stayed quiet. </p><p>“Let’s make it quick.”</p><p>The command room is similarly empty, so Regris checks the logs as Keith plants the tracker. But as soon as the monitor is accessed, the ships shuts down and locks them out of the system. </p><p>Keith’s eyes widen as he finally realizes what’s happening. “It’s rigged to blow!”</p><p>“The ship’s a decoy. Everyone out!”</p><p>They manage to pry open the door but Regris stays back trying to override the system. “There’s not enough time! Come on!”</p><p>“Just a few more ticks.”</p><p><em>He’s not gonna make it, </em>Keith thinks desperately and he knows he can’t handle it if there’s anymore blood on his hands. He rushes forward to grab Regris but there’s a strong, bruising arm around his torso pulling him back and dragging him out of the room. </p><p>He fights against Kolivans hold and fights against the panic rising up inside of him and fights against himself for being stupid enough to suggest planting the tracker when they all knew something was wrong- “Regris, <em>no!”</em></p><p>Keith doesn’t know what happens next. </p><p>There’s light, blinding and bright, and <em>heat, </em>searing into skin until the pain is too much to handle. He blacks out for a minute and when he wakes, he’s lost Kolivan. </p><p>There’s only static on his comms and silence all around him, and the sheer openness of space pressing against him makes it hard to <em>breathe. </em>Staying awake takes all his concentration, the aching in his limbs pulling him back to unconsciousness. There’s a large gash against his side, bleeding sluggishly and depressurizing his suit. </p><p>Air hisses out at an alarming rate. He has only minutes before his oxygen runs out. </p><p>Keith shakily grips his knife, hand slick and slippery with blood, and throws it as far as he can. It buries itself in a large piece of floating debris and Keith uses it to push himself forward. He crashes against the metal and stops to catch his breath. </p><p>There’s nothing and no one all around him. Space is quiet and still, the debris of the wrecked ship floating beside him almost peacefully. </p><p>He’s alone. </p><p>Keith unexpectedly finds himself missing Red. He can still feel their bond in the back of his head but she’s still and silent and Keith knows with certainty that if this had happened a few months ago, she would be here in a heartbeat.</p><p>Instead, he’s going to die here just like Regris all alone and bleeding out, slowly suffocating to death-</p><p>He catches sight of the ship. </p><p>It’s far but he can make it, he thinks, judging the distance. He needs both hands to push himself forward so he removes his hand from the leak in his suit and propels himself forward. </p><p>There’s a bloodied red handprint in the piece of debris and the sound of air hissing reaches his ears again. </p><p>He barely makes it to the ship. </p><p>Lightheaded with bloodless and lack of oxygen, he crashes inside right before the doors shut and can’t find the energy to get back up. His lungs feel tight and there’s a block in his throat but at least he can finally <em>breathe-</em></p><p>Through blurry vision, he can see Kolivan standing above him, real and quiet and imposing. </p><p>He doesn’t say anything or try to help Keith up. Just regards him cooly with his impassive mask before turning away, silent and disapproving. </p><p>Keith doesn’t bother trying to stop his tears. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>He gets back to the castle in a daze. </p><p>They never should have gone on that mission, he thinks, his hand numb over the ship's control. They should’ve left right when they noticed something was off, never should have even gonna out in the first place. </p><p>Shiro knew this would happen. He had tried to warn Keith but Keith hasn’t listened and now they had lost their only lead on Lotor and Regris was dead-</p><p>They had eaten breakfast together just that morning, Keith recalled in horror. Regris had been telling him more about Galra culture and he had been the one to teach Keith how to braid his hair and how to fight while using his smaller size as an advantage. </p><p>And now Regris was gone and it was all his fault.</p><p>Allura finds him on the way to his room and stops him, even though the last thing he wants to do right now is listen to a lecture about what he’s done wrong and in what ways he’s fucked up. </p><p>“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I heard what happened on your mission,” she says softly and it takes all of Keith’s strength not to break down into tears right there and then. </p><p>“I know how important the work you’ve been doing with the blades is. They’re incredible allies and have been instrumental in our victories over the Galra. And while the news of a news of a new quintessence supply line is deeply troubling, I cannot help but feel-“</p><p>He can’t do this right now, Keith thinks with panic. He’s dizzy and lightheaded and there’s still blood caked to his suit and under his nails and the sight of Regris bathed in red is still stuck in his mind. He- he just <em>can’t. </em></p><p>“I said I didn’t want a lecture,” he manages to croak, blinking back tears but Allura doesn’t stop. </p><p>She talks about Voltron and hope and unity and freedom but he doesn’t hear any of it over the sounds of an explosion still ringing in his ears, over his words echoing back at him, the same words that had doomed Regris and led him to his death-</p><p>“The Marmora can go on without you. They have for thousands of years. Voltron cannot. <em>We </em>cannot.”</p><p><em>They need you to be their leader, </em>Shiro had said. </p><p>“Solid math,” he had told Lance all those days ago and his mind is running at a hundred miles per minute. <em>Solid math five lions and six pilots five lions and six pilots</em></p><p>It’s an easy equation and his mind is already made up. He had been thinking about it for a while now but after what happened today, he’s finally sure. </p><p>There’s one person who doesn’t belong in the team and one person who has never belonged and if you take out the problematic variable everything will be fine (<em>five lions and five pilots solid math)</em></p><p>Things will work themselves out. They always do. </p><p>He had told Lance that everything would be fine. And it will be, once he’s gone. Maybe then Allura and Lance will be happy that they finally have the team they’ve wanted and Shiro will get to be the leader again and Keith will be-</p><p>He’ll be….</p><p>
  <s>Alone</s>
</p><p>
  <s>Unwanted</s>
</p><p>
  <s>Unloved</s>
</p><p>He’ll be fine. </p><p> </p><p>Shiro is in Keith’s room when he enters, sitting on the bed. He’s not angry but there’s a coldness behind his eyes. </p><p>“We lost someone today,” Keith whispers, unsure why he even mentions it. Is he expecting pity? Sympathy? Compassion? </p><p>Maybe all he wants is for someone to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. For someone to put together the broken shattered pieces of his heart. He wants…</p><p>There’s a hand brushing through his hair and brushing over his collarbone. Deft fingers tease under the fabric of his suit until his uniform is being pushed off his shoulders and he’s bare from the waist down. </p><p>Keith turns his face away when Shiro moves in for a kiss, tears burning from behind his eyes. “I’m not in the mood,” he rasps, wanting desperately to push Shiro away and just be <em>alone </em>but even his own room isn’t safe. </p><p>“I'll make you feel better, baby,” Shiro tells him with a glint in his eyes, one hand gently stroking over his cheek and the other already reaching under Keith’s waistband to trace a finger over his rim, promising, <em>threatening</em> more. </p><p>“Shiro-”</p><p>“Shh,” Shiro presses his lips against Keith’s softly, rolling them over so that he’s hovering over him on propped elbows, his weight on top of him leaving Keith short of breath. “Just relax, baby. I’ll make it all better.”</p><p>Every instinct is yelling at him to fight, telling him that this isn’t <em>right. </em>He doesn’t want this. He wants a hug and love and to be told that someone is there for him and Shiro<em> is </em>here but at the same time he <em>isn’t-</em></p><p>Keith closes his eyes and drifts away, feeling like his heart would burst out of his chest any second now and hating every touch on his body like it was molten lava burning against his skin. </p><p>When Shiro finally pushes in, Keith buries his face in the pillow to cover the sound of his sobs, tears silently falling from eyes clenched tightly close. </p><p>Shiro either doesn’t notice or chooses not to care. </p><p> </p><p>The next day, Keith catches sight of dark bruises on his hips and inner thighs, shaped perfectly to fit the Galran prosthetic. </p><p>He stumbles to the toilet and retches until there's nothing but bile left in his throat. </p><p>Shiro smiles when he sees them later that night, pressing his thumbs against the deepest part of the bruising and relishing in the gasp that Keith lets out. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>He starts to avoid Shiro after that, in the common rooms, in the kitchens, even in the bedroom. Most nights now, he stays up and tires himself out on the training desk until he’s too exhausted to stay awake, only to be awoken minutes later from a nightmare that leaves him sweaty and shaking. </p><p>Hunk asks him what’s wrong when he doesn’t eat breakfast or lunch. “I’m not hungry,” Keith whispers and turns away.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Lance asks when Keith spaces out for the fourth time that day.</p><p>“I’m just tired,”  Keith mutters and leaves the room.  </p><p>He can feel their gazes watching him with concern but no one says anything else. He doesn’t know if they’re aware of what happened to Regris but he doesn’t offer the information and no one asks. </p><p>“You’re being too sensitive about this,” Shiro finally spits out after Keith loses yet again to a training droid for the third time that day. He stops where he is and then sighs, and at that moment the circles under his eyes seem darker than ever. “I didn’t mean to say that.”</p><p>Keith picks at a scab on his arm, watching passively as blood wells up at the sight. “You never do.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”</p><p>The words are ash on his tongue when Keith swallows and says, “It's okay,” even though it’s not. </p><p>Eventually his lack of attentiveness costs them the mission, with Hunk getting a concussion and Pidge ending up in a pod. </p><p>It’s almost expected when Shiro yells at him for the mistake and Allura looks at him with disapproval in her eyes and Keith takes it all in quietly without saying a single word in his defense. </p><p>He’s the leader, whether he wants to be or not, which means he has to take responsibility when he fucks up and even when he doesn't. </p><p>“What is your problem?” Keith will rage at Black later but she will be cool and silent and won’t respond.  “He’s right here! Shiro is <em>right here</em> and you-“</p><p>Her dashboard will flicker, so fast that Keith is certain it’s just the tears blurring his vision that causes it. </p><p>“You can’t-“ <em>you can’t do this to me <em>he thinks, because he can’t handle the pressure of his team and Allura and Black and <em>Shiro</em> he can’t handle having all these people but still feeling so alone and he takes in a big breath and then another and another because it’s not enough he <em>can’t breathe-</em></em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He falls to the floor and he’s a mess, sobbing and crying and gasping for breath and it’s not pretty but that’s okay because no one can see him because no one is here. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Her lights flicker and Keith swears there’s a warm presence around him but when he looks up there is nothing there and he’s just as alone as he has been when he walked into her cockpit for the first time. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
 
   For some reason he misses Shiro and it’s so dumb becuase Shiro is <em>right there-</em>
 
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>His tears don’t stop even as his sobs do and soon he’s curled up on the floor, leaning against the pilot's chair with tears streaming silently down his face. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>An hour passes then two. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>No one comes to find him. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>***</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
 
   Finally, <em> finally</em> he’s given his opportunity and he takes it.
 
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>The blades manage to track the quintessence shipments to an unknown quadrant and Keith is with them every step in the way. He starts pulling away from his team, skipping lunch and dinner with them in favor of eating rations en route and taking longer and longer missions until he has no choice but to stay the night at the blades headquarters. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It’s only days later that they catch sight of Lotor, the first concrete proof that they’ve had in weeks. Kolivan messages him early in the morning while everyone else is asleep and Keith doesn’t hesitate before accepting the mission. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>They find the ship. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Lotor isn’t aboard but they find the ship and they find the quintessence and even manage to plant explosives on the ship without being detected. It’s the closest they’ve come to the newer brand of quintessence and Kolivan even manages to get samples to be analyzed. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It’s the first time in months that Keith feels anything close to being okay, and Regris’ death and his failure with the team and everything going on with Shiro don't sting quite as much. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It’s a feeling that lasts only the journey to the castle. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>The team is on the bridge when he gets back, and when he sees the look on their faces, the words dry up in his throat. “I heard what happened,” he manages to croak, because he knows that this is it. “I- I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“You keep saying you're sorry but your actions say otherwise,” Allura says angrily. “Do you realize that your actions put the team in jeopardy?”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“And not just the team, the refugees as well!”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Matter of fact, the entire quadrant was in danger.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>The team look at him with hateful glances, eyes filled with no sympathy and only contempt and Keith knows what he has to do, know that he has to break it off <em>now</em> because the longer he puts it off the more it’ll hurt, and maybe it’s better to get it over quicker with like ripping off a bandage from an open wound. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“This is not the way I wanted this to happen,” he rasps, looking at the ground so he doesn’t have to meet any of their cold glares. He thinks that if he did, he would burst out in tears right on the spot. “But if there's a bright side to any of this, it’s that my absence allowed Shiro to reestablish his bond with the Black Lion. He can finally be the leader I was unable to be.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He looks down at his hands, bruised and bloodied and bandaged. “I’m not meant to pilot the Black lion.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Is that why you’ve been pulling away from us?” Allura asks, ever perceptive. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Keith closes his eyes and thinks of the teams cutting words, thinks of all the times he was alone and desperately wished for someone to ask him if he was okay and pay enough attention to know that he was not. He thinks of Shiro pushing him down into the mattress and taking him from behind, the bruises on his hip and the arguments they can’t stop having and says, “Yeah. I suppose that’s part of it.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Part of it?” Hunk asks, “What’s the other part?”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“The blades have been making headway tracking the source of this new quintessence,” Keith says quietly, “They’ve been able to piece together a large network of hidden supply lines that have been secretly transporting it for who knows how long. And there’s good reason to believe it could lead us directly to Lotor.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He wants to tell them that he doesn’t feel safe at the castle and that he doesn’t feel safe with the blades and the only time he can think straight is when he’s too busy with a mission to let the demons in his head take over. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He doesn’t say any of it. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“A mission is being planned to infiltrate the supply line. It could take weeks, maybe months to pull off but if there is a chance, we have-“ Keith stops, because he’s already told all of this to the team and they had wanted to focus more on publicizing for the coalition. If Keith was joining the mission, he was going alone.<em> “I </em>have to take it. I need to be on that mission.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He looks up and for the first time since he entered the bridge, meets Shiro’s eyes. “You’re the rightful leader of this team, and you proved it today by reconnecting with the Black lion. It was always meant to be yours.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Keith, if this is what you feel is right, then we won’t try to stop you,” Shiro said, sincere and kindhearted but it’s not what Keith wants, it’s not what he needs-</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Just know that we’re here for whenever you need us.” Shiro pulls him into a hug, and Keith allows himself to melt into the embrace because this will be the last one in a long long time and no matter how he feels about Shiro, there’s always a part of him that will love him no matter what. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He has the team with him, surrounding and embracing him and he’s not alone but he’s so so alone</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
   Don't they see that his heart is bleeding all over the floor? Why are none of them stepping forward to pick up the pieces of himself that he’s dropped all over the floor?
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
   
     Stop me. Stop me please don’t let me be alone again-
   
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>But no matter how loud the warzone inside his mind is, no one can hear him screaming for help.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“We’re really gonna miss you,” Pidge cries and he can only muster a blank smile but it hurts his cheeks <em>and when was the last time he smiled?</em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>They pull away from him and Hunk is crying and so is Pidge but there’s a glint in Shiro’s eyes that’s gone the next moment and it must be a trick of the light. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    

     Stop me don’t let me go please please please
   
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Keith turns and leaves and no one thinks to stop him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story is part of the LLF Comment Project (including the LLF Comment Builder), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates responses, including:</p><ul> • Short comments </ul><ul> • Long comments </ul><ul> • Questions </ul><ul>• &lt;3 as extra kudos </ul><ul> • Reader-reader interaction </ul><p>This author replies to comments</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>